Today I got off the train and went to my car. On my car’s window was a menu to a local restaurant. Noting I was not currently in an environmental sanctuary or national park, but a parking lot in a major metropolis, I picked the menu from my windshield wipers and let it casually drift to the ground.

“You gotta pick that up.”, said a Police Officer I had noticed but disregarded in my actions.
“What, this?” I said pointing to what we were both obviously referring to.
“Yeah, pick that up or I’m gonna have to write you a ticket.”
“It’s not mine.”
“It’s on your car.”

Looking around it was painfully obvious, every car in this city-block sized lot, had a menu lightly flapping against it’s windshield.

“It’s trash. It was left on my car while I worked. How am I in any way liable for this badly printed menu’s existence? ”

“You can’t just throw trash on the street, It’s illegal. If you don’t pick it up, I’m gonna write you a ticket for littering.”

“But this isn’t my personal trash. It’s not like I brought empty beer cans from home and threw them at the sun. I removed trash put on my car by irrelevant marketing ploys, from an establishment I will never attend. Mostly because their name is Quesadillas, but they spell it phonetically, which is… well it’s really stupid.”

“You can pick that menu up, or you can get that ticket.”

“What if someone came by and dumped a bunch of shit on my car as like a practical joke. And then I get in my car all, WOW, “blank” really got me good, but as I drive off, my car inevitably drops random nonsense attached to my car onto the parking lot? Would I be liable?”

“Yes.”

“So if I didn’t act upon this terrible menu on my windshield, just drove off, because I had a long day, but I’m probably gonna order some phonetically spelled quesadillas later in the evening, but suddenly a gust of wind rips the menu from my wipers and sends it into the parking lot, but I don’t even notice… am I still liable?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Are you fucking with me?”

“No, sir.”

I noticed his patrol car was parked nearby, (Dodge Charger).

“Can I put this on your car?”

“No sir, that would be defacing government property and potentially hindering an investigation.”

“I can hinder my own investigation?”

“Just pick it up.”

“What if I fold it into origami and give it to you as a present, would you take it then?”

“No sir.”

At this point it gets very “Green Eggs and Ham”, and officer “Sam”, will not have my bullshit in a train or on a plane, I am not witty, and he is not a fan.

The whole thing is getting boring and I realize this is time I could be spending on anything else. So I pick the menu off the ground and place it under the windshield wiper of the car next to me. Exactly 1/4 of an inch right and lower than the exact same menu that was already there.

This confused the Officer long enough for me to get in my car, make sure I was not under arrest, drive off, grab some beer, go home, work on work, and go to sleep.

- Jason Hopkins