I can’t really say that I’ve ever been a particularly big fan of house guests.  Even as a child, I was more than mildly annoyed when my twin godsisters would come sleep on the floor of my room for a week when they were in town.  I was annoyed when I had to vacate my bed and sleep on the couch bed for slumber parties.  When some of my family came to stay with us last year while I was living at home, I flat out refused to give up my room.  And then there’s the matter of what to do with these people who are staying with you.  I for one feel a constant need to entertain them, which is fun for about one day (or less, depending on the person).  Fortunately, I never really lived in any place that was very high in demand as far as people wanting to stay with me… until now.

What can I say?  I like my own space and people really bother me.  I do live in the most crowded, crazy city in the world, but I get comfort from the fact that I can escape all of that into my own little apartment.  However, for the past few weeks, my roster of house guests has been a test of my limits as a hostess.  In fact, I’ve hardly had a day off from my new de facto job as a tour guide.  Turns out that when you move to New York, friends start to come out of the woodwork and want to stay with you.  But the problem with NYC visitors is two-fold: 1) there is no space to put them and 2) they can’t figure out anything about the city for themselves without your guidance.

So having guests in New York is a tricky thing for me.  There’s the part of me who hates people invading my personal space and talking to me all the time but also a part of me that understands I live in a cool place that I love and should therefore be happy to showing close friends and family around so they can experience it as well. But these tourists complain A LOT and don’t understand how life in New York really is.  So, if you ever find yourself asking to stay with me (which I hope you don’t) or anyone else who lives in New York, here are some good things to know about the realities of a New York trip.

There will be walking and a lot of it.  All New Yorkers walk around.  It’s really not that hard.  It’s not like I am asking you to sprint or do lunges.

There will be smells and dirtiness.  It amazes me how many people are surprised about the smells and dirtiness upon arrival to NYC.  Seriously, people? What did you think rats and homeless people would smell like?

There will be mandatory Subway riding.  Lots of tourists don’t want to go on the Subway.  But sometimes (especially in heavy traffic) it’s the only way to travel.  Yes, it’s weird down there and cell phones don’t work and no one can hear you scream, but people only get stabbed occasionally so you’ll probably be fine.

There will be a lot of people here.  Again, this should be obvious.  Yet I constantly hear comments about how there are so many people on the streets.  Again, it’s Manhattan. Go to Alaska if crowded isn’t what you want.

There will be a lot of different types of food here.  New York may not have one specialty of food per se, but it does have every type of food you can imagine. So live a little.  It’s okay if you eat something besides chicken or a taco.

 There will be times I need a serious break from you.  If it seems like I want to go in my room and be left alone, I’m not acting out – that’s just what I really want.  And you should respect that by shutting the hell up and figuring out what to do with yourself while I find some peace and quiet.

There will be times that I don’t know everything.  I always try to have a plan, but sometimes, I will fail.  Sometimes I will walk the wrong way. Sometimes a show I am trying to get us into will be sold out.  I’m still kind of new at this so you will have to get over it.

There will be times I have to go to my job.  Again, another thing that seems so obvious yet is so often overlooked.  I have to be at my job all during the week.  So I am not available for tour guiding between the hours of 9am to 5pm on Monday through Friday.

There will be times you have to buy me drinks.  If you’re not going to buy me dinner or pay my rent, then please, just buy me some drinks.  Thanks.  Keep them coming.

See you in New York soon, everyone I’ve ever known in my whole life!

- Lauren Miller